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Looks like a new year started. Guess it's time for a review (apparently English doesn't have a word for "bilan" when used in an abstract or non-monetary way) of 2011.

Early in January, my godmother died of cancer. As I probably state somewhere on this site, I am atheist. I was, however, baptised as a child and, regardless of my (lack of) faith, I loved my godmother. She was a wonderful woman. Talking about her still tends to bring tears to my eyes.

In late winter, I moved into this here flat with my sister, her partner, their daughter and their cat (who, for the record, is hungry). It was, and still is, a difficult transition for me. I have a dire need of money and I don't have enough furniture (or other storage space).

I am, however, in the process of returning to this world thing. I'm trying to find some place to volunteer. I had started looking in December, but I got sick and then it was the holidays, so I got kind of delayed with that. My plan is to to some volunteering for at least a few weeks before starting an actual, paying job. At first I want something small, not too stressful, just to be in a better financial situation.

Late in the year, my parents announced that they had purchased a new house and sold theirs. It was quite a shock to me. I can understand their decision. They lived by themselves in a two-storey house with far too much room for just two people. They also wouldn't have bought just any house. My father owns a land in the countryside, the land he grew up on that used to belong to his parents. His childhood home was destroyed a while ago and the lot was split, the largest part belonging to him and the smallest part belonging to other people, with their own house on it. This is the house they bought. (On a more technical note: zoning laws prevented my father from building a house on his lot, as it's in an agricultural zone)

I could be very happy for them, but I find it very difficult to accept the loss of the house I grew up in. (Go ahead, call me stupid and childish and materialistic. I LOVE THIS HOUSE.)

The end of the year was a moment of great stress for me. The holidays in themselves are stressful: having to leave my comfy flat for a long trip home to my parents and then attending four million family meetings. I also spent several hours going through the many things I had left at my parents' home. I got rid of lots of paper I didn't need and gave away lots of clothes that don't fit anymore. That doesn't mean I didn't keep lots of things too. Books, texts I wrote, some clothes (that fit), photos (of course I didn't actually got rid of any of those), movies (I did get rid of some. I'm not keeping terrible movies on VHS.)...

In December was also Mario and I's second anniversary of togetherness.

All in all, last year was filled with changes, some for the better, but nearly all stressful for me.

Hello there people and folkses! I'm going to update you in bullet points 'cause I want to do bullet points, so nah.

• Babysitting is suspended for the moment due to the next two points.
• Been fucking sick this week. It started with a little innocent-looking cold, then I started having a big throat ache and I threw up a lot. I hadn't thrown up in years, and I was fucking glad I hadn't because it's unpleasant, and it hits pretty damn straight into the almost-O of OCD for me (I don't have actual OCD, but I have "Anxiety Disorder Not Otherwise Specified", which includes tendencies towards OCD-like thingies). Vomit is huge trigger for me and, and let's just say I'm avoiding certain spots of the floor even after cleaning them. Yeah...I must admit something though: having it happen to me might actually have reduced the trigger-ness of it, as while it was in no way pleasant, it wasn't the End of the World.
• My sister and all the family were also sick recently. Last week it was a cold/flu thing, and this week both my niece and my brother-in-law got an indigestion (is that a word in English?) because of a cantaloup. I knew those fruits were evil. That and the fact that my sister was finishing school this week has quite changed their needs.
• I was doing phone calls for volunteering earlier this week, but then with my sickness I couldn't keep it up. It will have to wait next week, which pretty much guarantees that I won't be able to start actual work before next year.
• Next Sunday is totally Mario and I's second anniversary together!!!11!!1! 'Tis awesome and he's awesome and we're awesome and I'm actually super excited!
• My sister gets her cat shaven around twice per year. He has long hair and, because he's overweight, he has a particularly hard time cleaning himself properly, so he gets horrible knots and tangledthingies. I don't mind him getting shaven, but I pity him because those who do it perfume the poor thing. It's like replacing his ID card with a different one! My cat keeps sniffing him, wondering who the fuck is that cat who keeps acting and being treated like Tao, but can't possibly be Tao, because he smells so weird.

I've been continuing my babysitting lately, although my schedule has changed because my sister stopped working. I now take care of her from around 4pm to around 6pm, when supper is ready. This leaves her parents some time to prepare the supper, and me some time to sleep very late and take naps. Ain't that fun?

Also, I have an appointment tomorrow, with the Volunteer Bureau of Montreal, or however they order those words in English. As you can tell, they help volunteers find places to, well, volunteer at. Lots of things interest me, but I think I'll settle for something with at-risk youth.

I'm sure the title of this post is something that caught you totally off-guard. Stressful? It's not like you're all alone with a tiny human!

Anyway...if you've been following my, erm, activites for the past couple of years, then you should know that I am currently unemployed and that 'free time' is pretty much equal to 'all time' for me. While it certainly has helped me, it's, in the long run, not a very gratifying life.

I won't get into details of my lifestyle since I moved into this flat with my sister, her partner and their daughter. Recently, though, they offered to have me babysit (baby! She's 3.) her, in exchange for getting free suppers with them (homemade, naturally). A very agreeable arrangement!

As I'm already at home with them, I don't need to do any commuting beyond crawling out of bed. Her father works from home (although he seems to work much less now that he has so little time to himself) and my sister works 5 days per week at a different place, plus she has a class on Wednesdays.

My schedule is really not busy, just enough to give them some relief. Taking care of a 3-year-old kid all on your own five days per week drives you crazy.

• Monday: from around 5 to the beginning of supper. My brother-in-law prepares the supper around that time, then leaves for his tai chi before my sister comes back from work.
• Tuesday: 10am to noon
• Wednesday: from around 4 or 5 until supper is ready. This is usually the day where they invite friends over or go visit them, so my help isn't needed during the day
• Thursday: same as Monday
• Friday: 10am to noon
• Weekends: off, though on any day I'm available at their request

My niece is in a wonderful mood in the mornings, which makes it a very pleasant time for me to be with her, all while allowing her father to do errands and whatnot without an attention-seeking child.

Naturally, while it is fun, it also brings a lot of stress. We were playing in the sandbox in the backyard the other day, and WOAAAAH! There were two centipedes. My niece actually loves them, but I had to struggle to stay calm. I can't run off and leave her alone because of a stupid bug.

Anyway, I know this has stressed me. Since then, every time I see a speck, some lint or whatever on the floor, I immediately think it's a bug, and even convince myself that it's moving. Neither are true.

First, let me make this clear: I believe science is wonderful. There are many different fields, and each one has numerous applications (and even fun). But...well, but. There's always a butt but.

My Google Reader account is enormous. I wouldn't be surprised if there were 1000 entries per day, at least on some days. Naturally, I don't read every single entry, some are things that don't interest me. My feed is divided into categories, one of which is Science and one of which is Health (there are many others, but I'll be talking about those two here).

Sciency stuff can be roughly broken down into four types:

• Interesting things I want to read. For example, I like reading about mental health.
• Things I can't fucking understand. For example, "Single–Base Pair Unwinding and Asynchronous RNA Release by the Hepatitis C Virus NS3 Helicase". Well, I'm sure it's of interest to Hepatitis C research, but that doesn't mean much to me. Neither does "Disentangling the Drivers of β Diversity Along Latitudinal and Elevational Gradients".
• Things that I'm sure can be of interest to some people who aren't experts, but which I skip reading because I can.
• Most fascinating studies with un-be-lie-va-ble! results.

This post concerns the latter category.

For example, there recently was a study demonstrating that, hold to your chair, bisexual men exist for realz. I was absolutely flabbergasted! FOR REALZ, I said! In the name of all those men, I would like to thank the scientists who took the time and money to demonstrate in a science-methody way that those men's feelings are teh realz.

Even more recently, WebMD informs us that Obesity Puts Young Kids at Risk of Social Isolation. REALLY? You mean that, in a society where Weight Loss is put on a pedestal, where the slight bit of fat is seen as horrifying, where we even call disgusting other animals and things that could possibly resemble parts of a naked fat person, obesity can lead to social isolation? NO MOTHERFUCKING WAY!

The very worse part of the article, however, comes at the end:

"My advice to parents would be to work hard to help their children achieve the best quality nutrition standards, participate in activities which have the potential to improve fitness levels, and to seek out activities in the community where children's peer relationships can be fostered and supported," he says.

Ballas says there are some concrete steps parents can take to help their children overcome the stigma of being obese.

"If there's a TV in their bedroom, just get it out," says Ballas. "If there's a TV in their bedroom it substantially increases the chance for obesity and sleep problems, and getting the TV out of the room reduces those chances."

Also encourage exercise, but maybe not competitive sports, which can heighten an overweight or obese child's sense of stigma and failure, according to Ballas. "A lot of kids have a great interest in learning and academics that are not necessarily sports related."

Those damn parents who just can't do a thing good! Clearly we mustn't teach children to treat their obese peers properly, we must rather teach those obese kids to not be obese.

I know that, because the aforementioned Health category covers a wide range of topics (chronic non-transmittable illnesses such as diabetes, seasonal stuff like the flu, delicious foods, etc.), but in spite of this, roughly half of the entries are about how you must lose weight RIGHT NOW.

Our attitude towards thin people isn't better, of course. I'm sure sites like Demotivational Posters putting up pictures of very thin celebrities to comment on how "gross" it is and how it makes "us want to puke" are very good for people with body dismorphic disorder.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week. I didn't go, blaming anxiety. I took another appointment, for yesterday. I did go this time, still feeling about equally anxious, but knowing I had to go.

Sitting in his office, I had to answer the question of just why I hadn't shown up. I babbled about stress and muttered the beginning of incomplete sentences, until ultimately I managed to form the truth in a clear, straight-to-the-point way: I knew that, by going to that appointment, I would need to reflect on my current state of being, looking at myself in a metaphorical mirror and say "This is how I am right now". And, shit, how far am I from the way I wish things were.

I keep imagining that I'm a published author, that I help out charities, that I travel the world...but when I get up in the morning (I did manage to stabilise my sleeping schedule), I don't go out into the world. I go down into the basement, sit at my computer and read news, play games and generally get nothing valuable done.

I do not need psychiatrist help at the moment (I have, in the past, been in need of therapy, for depression or something very similar to it, and for phobias). I just need to think really hard about exactly what I want to do with my life, and then proceed to do it. No one can do it for me and, to paraphrase my psychiatrist, it would be a pity to wake up in 40 years and realise "Fuck. I haven't done anything yet." (My psychiatrist didn't say fuck. Or any expletives.)

As I walked from the office towards Mario's home (Mario! Awesome!), there was only one thing I knew for sure: I want it to be FUN.

On August 22nd, Canada suffered a great loss as the leader of the New Democratic Party, Jack Layton, passed away from cancer. I don't believe I have much to add that hasn't already been said by others. I only hope that his party can continue making this a better world, something for which I don't count on the currently leading Conservative Party.

P.S. Cancer sucks.

P.S. #2 You can read the letter he addressed us. Bring a tissue or 40.

Haha! Look, the US Republican candidates went to a fair and they ate corndogs! We have pictures! You see, when you're eating a corndog, you look like you're performing fellatio. As we know, performing fellatio is a dehumanising thing that diminishes you, because it's all feminine and submissive and stuff. How hilarious! Let us mock them!

As I browse the web, it annoys me quite a lot to see the ridiculously numerous parts of it that seem to believe that everyone (or at least everyone who matters) is a white, heterosexual, at-least-mildly conservative, middle class or higher, man living in the United States.

Of course, I log in to find over 100 spam comments pending "approval". All of them were on my beware not to infect your visitors post. Fitting, isn't it?

Anyway, I cleaned them up. I did see two genuine comments by actual humans and approved them, but I might have missed some. Sorry if that's the case. I just completed setting Akismet up, so spam should be less of a problem.